


See Me For Me

by luxbuhree



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: A little bit of Drama, Literally Blind! Shane, M/M, Oh! Conflict Up Ahead!, a lot of fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-26
Updated: 2018-07-19
Packaged: 2019-05-28 20:20:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 16,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15057017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luxbuhree/pseuds/luxbuhree
Summary: Ryan loves a lot of things. He loves his morning jogs. He loves eating cinnamon buns. He loves watching the sunrise.Then one day, he meets Shane — and he begins to love him too.





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> Hi. It's my first time incorporating blindness in a story, so I hope I do a good job of portraying it. Also, each chapter corresponds to a day, so each day may vary in length depending on what's happening in the story. Thanks a lot, and enjoy!

**_ Day 1 _ **

 

It was a beautiful Sunday morning — the sky was still a light pink and orange, the clouds were high and scattered, and the air was crisp and sweet. Ryan took it all in as he jogged his usual route. Everyday, he would start by cutting through the street of his apartment, then running a few kilometers around the neighborhood until he reached the local bakery — where he’d purchase a cinnamon bun and a bottle of water — finally reaching a park that overlooked a small lake. There, on his special bench, he would sit and eat breakfast as he watched the sunrise. And though he had to rise at 4 o’clock in the morning every day, it was worth it to see the light hit the lake, turning it into a sparkling body of water. Ryan lived for those simple moments — it was a chance to get away from the bustling noise of everyday life.

 

This day though, there was something different.

 

When Ryan arrived at the park, his eyes immediately went to the spot where his special bench was snuggled between two trees. However, there seemed to be someone already there. He felt a wave of annoyance, which he realized was completely irrational. There were plenty of other benches he could sit on.

 

 _‘This isn’t your park. People are allowed to come and sit wherever they damn please,’_ Ryan thought to himself, although there was a bitterness to it. The park was always empty this early in the morning — that was the reason why he loved going there. He shook his head, trying to vanish his annoyance. After all, this was probably just for today.

 

Ryan walked to a bench that was about 10 meters away from his usual spot. He tried to get a look at the person, but was too far away to see clearly, especially since he wasn’t wearing his glasses or contacts. All he could make out was a fairly large figure with what appeared to be a big brown sack by his feet. Ryan turned away and tried to focus on the view. The sun was already starting to peek out. He couldn’t bring himself to enjoy it though. It was like he was viewing it from a different angle that just wasn’t right. After debating with himself for a minute, he decided to do a somewhat stupid thing. He decided to ask the person in his special bench if he could sit beside them, just until he finished with his breakfast. Before he could change his mind, Ryan stood up and went.

 

As he got closer, he realized that the person was a man. And by his feet, which he initially thought had been a sack pile, was a large golden retriever with a red harness strapped on its back.

 

“Hello,” Ryan greeted.

 

The dog stood up and barked softly. The man turned his head to face him. Ryan drew in a sharp breath as he realized how attractive the man was. He had brown hair that was tousled and looked incredibly soft. He was sporting a 5 o’clock shadow. His mouth was slightly opened in surprise. His eyes, though, had a strange vacant look in them.

 

“Uh, yeah,” Ryan chuckled awkwardly. “I know this is silly but do you mind if I sit next to you? I’ll be gone in 10 minutes tops.”

 

The man turned away and murmured something. He patted the head of his dog and it sat back down.

 

“Are the other benches occupied?” the man finally said.

 

“Actually, we’re the only ones here,” Ryan answered.

 

“Then why don’t you sit somewhere else?” he asked, a sharp tone to his voice.

 

Ryan felt like he had been slapped. He knew that his request was a bit odd but that didn’t mean he deserved to be talked to like that.

 

“Listen here, buddy,” Ryan sneered. “You could have just said no. You don’t need to be a jackass. I would have left with no problem.”

 

“Jackass?” he repeated. “I don’t recall barging in someone else’s space and demanding to sit there.”

 

Ryan was seething. “You know what? I’m gonna sit here anyway, just because you’re being rude.”

 

He plopped himself down on the edge of the bench, making sure to stay away from the dog who was standing on all fours.

 

“I didn’t say you could sit down!” the man said angrily.

 

He ignored him and took a bite of his cinnamon bun instead. He moaned happily as the soft and warm treat invaded his taste buds.

 

“What the hell are you doing?” he demanded fearfully. “Are you jerking off? Please, leave me alone.”

 

Ryan stopped chewing midway and turned incredulously to the man.

 

“Why the fuck would I be jerking off?” Ryan asked, completely offended. “Do I look like a sexual deviant to you? Can’t you see I’m eating?”

 

The man smiled humorlessly.

 

“Oh, good sir, if you haven’t noticed yet, I’m blind,” he remarked bitterly. “Or maybe you’re blind too, seeing as you’ve missed something obvious.”

 

It all began to make sense. The dog, the harness, the vacant look in his eyes, the fearful assumptions. Ryan felt the shame and guilt hit him like a bag of bricks.

 

“I’m sorry,” he apologized quietly. “I didn’t know.”

 

The man sighed and wiped a hand down his face. “It’s fine. Maybe I should have worn my sunglasses and waved around a walking stick to complete the look.”

 

Ryan laughed in spite of himself. The man _looked_ at him, a shadow of a smile on his lips.

 

“I really am sorry. If I had known…” he trailed off.

 

“Don’t worry about it. It’s actually quite refreshing, you know, not having people walking on eggshells around me. I hate it when people are nice just because they pity me.”

 

“Well, I promise to keep being a jackass,” Ryan joked. “It’s Ryan, by the way.”

 

The man remained quiet, his hand absentmindedly stroking the head of his dog. Ryan turned back to the lake and leaned back on the bench. The sky was shifting into a pale blue. He finished off his cinnamon bun and drained the water bottle. He stayed a few more minutes before standing up to leave.

 

“It was nice meeting you,” he said. “I’m gonna go now.”

 

He was met with silence. Letting out a quiet exhale, he began to walk away. He had barely taken a few steps when—

 

“Shane. Shane Madej.”

 

Ryan glanced back to see Shane staring straight ahead, as though he hadn’t spoken. He looked even better with the gentle morning light on his face. Ryan smiled and made his way back home.


	2. Two

**_ DAY 2 _ **

 

The next day, Ryan hurried to get to the park. He got up even earlier than usual and ran, rather than jogged, through his route. When he got to the bakery, it was still closed. Ryan sat on the sidewalk as he waited for it to open. He took the time to catch his breath — he had always taken his time during his morning exercise but something about the idea of seeing Shane again made him want to get to the park as fast as possible.

 

 _‘He might not even be there’_ , Ryan thought sadly. _‘Maybe it really was a onetime thing.’_

 

By the time the bakery opened, he had fallen into an abyss of negativity. He felt stupid rushing to the park when there was no guarantee that Shane would still be there. All the same, he bought two cinnamon buns and two waters. If he didn’t show up, then Ryan would just eat his disappointment away.

 

When he arrived at the park, the sky was still a dark shade of blue. His heart was beating erratically, something he chalked up to being tired from the jog — which of course, was him just bullshitting himself. He spotted his special bench immediately and to his disappointment, it was empty. With a disappointed sigh, he trudged his way there. The bag of cinnamon buns began to feel like lead in his hands. He sat down and fiddled with the hem of his shirt, his mouth pressed into a thin line.

 

Suddenly, he heard a bark in the distance. Ryan looked up hopefully. In the distance was a familiar golden retriever bounding toward him, with a familiar figure following steadily. He felt his heart soar.

 

“Shane!” he called out loudly. His voice echoed throughout the empty park. Embarrassed at how eager he seemed, he made himself calm down.

 

The dog guided Shane to the bench. It sniffed warily at Ryan, its wet nose nudging at him. It seemed satisfied after a while, licking his hand once, then settled down on the ground. Shane took a seat and quirked his head at Ryan.

 

“Is your voice really that loud, or was it just my ears overcompensating for my eyes?” Shane asked, a smirk playing on the corner of his lips. “I seriously thought there was a megaphone blasting in my ear.”

 

Ryan heated up. “Sorry, I was excited,” he said honestly. Once he realized what he had said, he backtracked. “I mean, I was excited to see your dog. Yeah. I love dogs.”

 

“You were excited to see Axis?” Shane asked, his voice clearly expressing his disbelief. “Here I was thinking that you were excited to see me.”

 

“Axis?” Ryan clarified, ignoring the rest of Shane’s remark. “Cool name.”

 

Shane nodded and patted Axis’ head. “It’s like with the earth, you know, it revolves around its axis. And here I am, revolving around him.”

 

Ryan’s heart swelled. They sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes.

 

“So you really weren’t excited to see me?” Shane asked again.

 

“No,” Ryan said sternly, but after a second, he decided to be honest. “Umm—uhh—yeah, maybe a little bit.”

 

Shane laughed for the first time since they met. It was deep and clear and so beautiful that it made Ryan’s stomach churn. He dug his nails into the palm of his hand. He had no idea why he was reacting so much to every single thing that Shane did. For heaven’s sake, he had just met him yesterday.

 

“You don’t have a lying bone in your body, huh?” Shane teased.

 

“I guess not,” Ryan shrugged. “I hate lying. It makes me feel… weird.”

 

Shane laughed again.

 

“It’s almost sunrise,” Ryan informed him.

 

“Is that why you come here? To see the sunrise?” Shane asked.

 

Ryan nodded, but realized that Shane couldn’t see him. “Yes. It’s nice to just appreciate the little moments.”

 

“I miss seeing the sunrise,” Shane muttered sadly. “That was always the best part of my day.”

 

“How long have you been…” Ryan didn’t finish his question for fear that he might offend Shane.

 

Shane, however, smiled in understanding. “3 months.”

 

Ryan waited for him to say more but Shane didn’t. He decided not to push him.

 

“At least you know what it looks like,” Ryan said.

 

“I think that’s actually worse,” Shane said. “Imagine you’ve lived most of your life eating your favorite flavor of popcorn everyday. Then suddenly, someone takes away your popcorn and says that you can’t have it anymore. So you end up always looking back on the days that you did have your popcorn and thinking how you have to go the rest of your life without it.”

 

Ryan couldn’t think of anything to say. It was a fragile moment and he was scared that he’d break it.

 

“It leaves you with this emptiness,” Shane mumbled. “I wish I could see a sunrise one more time.”

 

The sun had turned the sky into a symphony of pinks and oranges and blues. The lake was like one big diamond, its surface sparkling as the sun shined down on it.

 

“Well,” Ryan began, gulping unsurely. “You know how sometimes a painter mixes his paints to get a new color? That’s what the sky looks like now. It’s a shade of pink, orange, and blue, all mixed together into a color that you can’t give a name to. The sun’s a bit hidden behind some clouds, but its rays are so long and beautiful. It’s like the sun’s stretching its arms to give the earth a big hug. And the lake in front of us is just breathtaking. You know that movie Aladdin? Shining, shimmering, splendid? Yeah, that’s what the lake looks like. A big blue shining, shimmering, and splendid sight. And well, there you have it.”

 

Ryan took his eyes of the view and peered shyly at Shane. He wasn’t sure how he’d respond to his subpar imagery. To his surprise, Shane’s lower lip was trembling. Ryan could see drops of water clinging to his eyelashes. He had the sudden and horrible realization that Shane was crying.

 

“Shane, shit,” he apologized. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be insensitive.”

 

Shane jolted up. He waved dismissively and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. Axis nestled his head on top of Shane’s knees.

 

“No, it’s not your fault,” Shane uttered. “I just…”

 

He took a deep breath and shook his head.

 

“It’s just that no one’s ever done that for me,” Shane said softly. “What I meant to say is thank you, Ryan. It’s almost like I could see it.”

 

His bottom lip was starting to tremble again, so he bit down on it. Ryan felt a light pressure behind his eyes as he regarded how vulnerable Shane was at that moment. He knew that he must be uncomfortable at letting this side of him show.

 

“Any time, buddy.” Ryan cleared his throat and blinked away the moisture from his own eyes. “Oh, I almost forgot! I bought an extra cinnamon bun and maybe you’d like to have it.”

 

Shane released a relieved breath. “Was that what you were eating yesterday? The one that got you moaning?”

 

“Shut up, Shane,” Ryan said. Shane chuckled good-naturedly. “Look, I can just feed it to the ducks, you know?”

 

“No, I’d like to have it.” Shane reached out to Ryan and accidentally whapped him in the face.

 

“Sorry!” he apologized as Ryan rubbed his throbbing nose.

 

“Here, just take it. No need to use force,” Ryan replied with a smile. He took Shane’s hand and placed the packaged cinnamon bun in it. His heart began to beat faster as he momentarily felt how soft and smooth his palms were.

 

Shane immediately took a bite and threw his head back in a moan. Ryan felt his face burn as he realized how erotic that sounded. It became clear why Shane had thought he was doing something unspeakable yesterday.

 

“Good, isn’t it?” Ryan said as he took a bite out of his own.

 

“It’s amazing,” Shane groaned. “This is a damn good bun. I can understand now why you sounded like that yesterday.”

 

“Shut up.”

 

Shane laughed. “So why’d you buy a second cinnamon bun? Were you hoping to see me again?”

 

“I said shut up,” Ryan snapped half-heartedly.

 

“That’s not a no,” Shane exclaimed happily.

 

“I’m leaving,” Ryan threatened. “And I’m taking the rest of your bun with me.”

 

“No, it’s mine!” Shane replied, licking the whole thing hurriedly. “There. Now it’s got my germs.”

 

“You’re gross, Madej.”

 

“Yeah, and I’m also blind. What’s new?”


	3. Eight

_ **DAY 8** _

 

“Hey, Ryan?” Shane called from beside him.

 

Ryan stopped petting Axis and looked to Shane.

 

“What’s up?” he answered.

 

“It’s your day off, right?”

 

“Yeah, why?”

 

Shane pursed his lips as if in deep thought. "And you know I love the cinnamon buns you bring me everyday, right?"

 

"Sure?" Ryan was confused at where this was going.

 

"But you know that cinnamon buns aren't a proper breakfast food, right?"

 

"First of all, stop saying ' _right'_. And second of all, how fucking dare you?" Ryan gasped indignantly. 

 

"All I'm saying is that there's better breakfast food!" Shane said defensively. "And eating those things everyday can't be good for your body, unless your goal is to get diabetes before you hit 40."

 

"My body is perfectly fine. Thank you."

 

"You sure about that?" Shane challenged.

 

"I have rock hard abs. Feel for yourself," Ryan chortled, knowing full well that he didn't, unless his whole stomach counted as one _"ab"_. He grabbed Shane's hand and pressed it against his abdomen. He meant it as a joke, but the feel of Shane's long fingers splayed over the thin material of his shirt left him breathless.

 

"I don't feel anything," Shane quipped shakily. There was a tinge of pink on his cheeks. He withdrew his hand. 

 

"Anyways." Ryan cleared his throat to dispel the awkwardness. "Why are you shitting on my cinnamon buns?"

 

"Uh, w—well," he stammered. "I was wondering if — yeah — that's right — no?"

 

"What?" Ryan was worried about Shane's incoherent babbling. "Are you being possessed?"

 

Shane sighed. “If you don’t have anything to do this morning, would you like to grab some _real_ breakfast at a diner or something?”

 

Ryan’s mouth opened in surprise. He had always regretted having to leave Shane because of work. 30 minutes of being with him every day was never enough. However, it was Sunday today, meaning that he had the day off —  he was free to stay for as long as he pleased. Shane’s offer had taken him by surprise, though. He had never gotten the impression that Shane wanted him to stick around longer than usual. Whenever he told Shane he was leaving, the latter would just offer a small smile and a polite goodbye in return. He was chill, unlike Ryan who felt like he was having a heart attack whenever he walked away.

 

“Ryan? Still there?” Shane called again, a note of uncertainty in his voice. “It’s okay if you don’t want to. I just thought that maybe you’d like to. It’d be my treat of course.”

 

Ryan realized that he had been thinking for too long. His open-mouth turned into a large smile.

 

“Are you crazy? I’d love to!” Ryan said enthusiastically.

 

Shane visibly relaxed. “For a second there, I thought you’d say no.”

 

“Oh, I was about to, but then you mentioned it was free,” Ryan joked. "And next time, just ask me outright. You didn't have to insult my cinnamon buns."

 

"Those things aren't good for you."

 

"What are you talking about? They're like tiny pieces of heaven."

 

"And that's where you're ending up if you don't stop eating them," Shane mumbled under his breath.

 

"I can still hear you, jackass."

 

“Whatever, Bergara,” Shane said with a smile. “Let’s go.”

 

He stood up and took hold of Axis’ handle. He took the lead as they began walking down the path.

 

“Where are we eating?” asked Ryan excitedly from behind him.

 

Shane stopped and frowned. “I have no idea. I don’t eat out anymore.”

 

“Then where the hell are you walking to?” Ryan questioned.

 

“I don’t know,” Shane said sheepishly. He scratched the side of his head in embarrassment. “Force of habit.”

 

Ryan snorted. “I’ll give you a point for confidence. It’s a good thing I know where to go!”

 

“Then by all means, lead the way.”

 

And that was how their tradition of going out to eat on Sundays began.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey :) This is more of a filler chapter, but I hope you guys still liked it! 
> 
> P.S. I update fast because I've already finished writing the story. I complete stories before writing them, so that people don't have to wait long! 
> 
> Thanks again :')


	4. Thirty Nine

**_ DAY 39 _ **

 

They were sitting on the grass for a change. It was Ryan who had suggested it, but only because Shane had been complaining that sitting on the hard bench every single day was permanently flattening his ass.

 

Ryan was sitting cross-legged across from Shane, who was leaning back on a tree. Axis was curled up beside him. They were enveloped in a comfortable silence. Shane had his eyes closed but his hand was gently stroking the top of Axis’ head. Ryan didn’t want to disturb him from his thoughts, and anyways, he didn’t mind — he enjoyed looking at Shane.

 

 _‘He really is beautiful,’_ Ryan thought. He chewed the inside of his cheek as he contemplated how he felt about Shane. The man was an iceberg that he had yet to scratch the surface of. However, he couldn’t deny that there was something about him that perplexed and attracted Ryan so. But right now, it was a feeling that he couldn’t give a specific name to, just as how he couldn’t give a name to the color that painted the skies during a sunrise.

 

“Stop staring at me,” Shane said out of the blue, his eyes popping open.

 

Ryan flinched. “H—how’d you know?”

 

Shane burst out in a loud laugh that made Axis raise his head in alarm.

 

“Oh, Bergara,” he shook his head in amusement, “I was bluffing. But I guess you really were staring at me, huh? Is the view that good?”

 

Ryan glared at him. “I was thinking how ugly you are. Frankly, I’m amazed I lasted this long in your company.”

 

“Liar,” Shane said. “Maybe _you’re_ the ugly one.”

 

“Yeah. You’re absolutely right,” Ryan agreed. “I’m hideous.”

 

Shane had a peculiar smile on his lips. “Ryan, come here.”

 

“What?”

 

“I said come here. Get in front of me,” he instructed.

 

Ryan obliged, albeit hesitantly, and pulled himself to the spot right in front of Shane. Their knees were touching, and their faces were two feet apart.

 

“What do you want?” Ryan asked slowly.

 

“Let me touch your face,” Shane said. “Only if it’s alright.”

 

Ryan nervously licked his lips. “Are you being serious? Why?”

 

“I just want to _feel_ what you look like, if that makes sense.”

 

With a deep breath, Ryan gently took Shane’s hands and brought them up to rest on both his cheeks. Shane’s hands were as soft as he remembered.

 

“If you want me to stop, tell me.”

 

Ryan nodded, knowing that Shane would be able to feel the movement and get the message. Shane leaned closer. His fingers outlined the shape of his face, from the top of his forehead down to his chin. Ryan closed his eyes as he enjoyed the feeling.

 

“Your face is so smooth,” Shane mumbled.

 

His thumbs traced the bridge of Ryan’s nose and the arch of his cheekbones. Then, his fingers trailed down to the sides of his mouth. Ryan shivered as Shane slowly stroked the curves of his lips. After what seemed like an eternity, he finally dropped his hands. Ryan had to stop himself from whimpering at the loss of contact.

 

“You’re not ugly,” Shane concluded, almost breathlessly.

 

Ryan was still recovering from what had just happened. There was a lump in his throat that stopped him from saying anything. The atmosphere was thick with tension.

 

“But you’re way uglier than me,” Shane added.

 

That broke the tension instantly.

 

“Jerk,” Ryan said with a snort. “You wish.”

 

“I don’t need to wish for something that’s already true, Ryan.”

 

Ryan scooted back to his original position. Shane went back to leaning on the tree.

 

"Sometimes, I think I'm forgetting what my family looks like," Shane said after a while. "It's ridiculous, but I get really scared when that happens. It's like losing another part of me."

 

"What do you do?"

 

"I ask my brother to describe himself and our parents — just a little reminder. And then I remember again. But the fear's still there. I don't want to forget... memories are all I have."

 

"You won't," Ryan soothed. "There'll always be people to remind you."

 

"Describe yourself to me," Shane requested.

 

"I've got two eyes," he began, not knowing how to do this. "And a nose and a mouth."

 

"Cool. I have those too," Shane snickered. "If you could be a little specific, please."

 

"I'm trying." Ryan glared at him. "Okay, well, I'm a mix of Mexican and Japanese, with a sprinkle of Filipino. People have told me my features are more Asian than Latino, though. My forehead's huge, like they should call it a _'f_ _ivehead'_  because of how massive it is."

 

Shane snorted.

 

"My hair is black, and a little greasy, if I'm being honest. I just had a haircut so the sides are shaved and it's spiky on top — I'm kinda regretting getting the haircut, though, because my forehead looks even bigger with it. My eyes are dark brown, but if you see me, you'll notice the humongous bags under them first. They're like a permanent fixture to my face, even if I get enough sleep. When I laugh, the top of my gums show. Oh, and my teeth are a bit big, but they're white, so it's okay. And I don't know how to describe my nose. It looks fine, I guess. I can breathe with it. But it could be a bit off-center, I don't know. That's basically it."

 

"You think your nose is off-center?" Shane laughed.

 

"I don't know! Maybe? Who am I to say what center is?"

 

"Ryan, don't you think you're selling yourself a little short?"

 

"What do you mean? I'm just describing myself like it is."

 

"All I'm saying is that you might be a bit hard on yourself. I'm sure you look amazing."

 

Ryan was too disgruntled to pay attention to the compliment. "Easy for you to say. You're gorgeous."

 

"You think I'm gorgeous?" A dazzling smile appeared on Shane's face, further proving how gorgeous he was.

 

"Did I say gorgeous? I meant gor— gor— _gorilla-ous_ ," Ryan stumbled. He hated his big fat mouth. 

 

"That's not a word, Ryan," Shane said. "Should I get you a dictionary?"

 

"Shut up," Ryan retorted childishly.

 

"Is that always going to be your go-to comeback? Telling me to shut up?"

 

"Shut up."

 

"It's okay. I think you look gorgeous too." Shane teasingly batted his eyelashes at him. "Even if your nose might be off-center."

 

"Keep your mouth shut, long legs."

 

There was a beat of silence. 

 

"You think my legs are long?" Shane replied, not able to resist himself.

 

Ryan groaned.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter up! :') I really appreciate all of you who've left kudos and comments... it warms my heart. Thank you, and see you again tomorrow.


	5. Fifty Eight & Seventy One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a chapter with 2 days! I figured it'd be better to have them in the same chapter. Enjoy!

**_ DAY 58 _ **

 

“It was a car accident.”

 

Taken by surprise, Ryan accidentally gulped more coffee than he intended. Tears sprung to his eyes as he felt his tongue and throat burn.

 

“What?” Ryan croaked in a raspy voice.

 

“It’s how I became blind,” Shane explained. “About 4 to 5 months ago, a truck almost drove right into my car. I was able to swerve just in time, but I ended up driving into a ditch. The car overturned. Next thing I know, I was in the hospital and I couldn’t see. I could make out light, colors and sometimes even movement, but overall, it was like my eyes were completely out of focus. Apparently, I banged up my head pretty badly and damaged something in my brain. Cortical blindness, they said. They did what they could to help, and said that there was a huge chance I'd get my vision back — people rarely become permanently blind from this." 

 

“Shane…” Ryan reached out to place a hand on his shoulder. “You don’t have to talk about it if you can't.”

 

“I want to. It's okay,” Shane replied. “Weeks passed, and I was still blind. They tried therapy to trigger my sight back, but it didn't work. Finally, I told them that I didn't want to try anymore. I just wanted to go home. It was rough in the beginning. I pushed everybody away. I lashed out. I isolated myself. I didn’t want anybody’s help.”

 

Shane took a moment to drink from his water bottle before continuing.

 

“My parents and my brother still tried, though. Eventually, they got through, in a way. My brother persuaded me to stay with him at his place here. My parents got me Axis to help me around. I have to admit, it was easier once I let them in. But there was still a part of me that wanted to give up. At night, that was all I could think about.”

 

“Do you still think that?” Ryan whispered, his chest growing heavy with worry.

 

“No, not anymore,” he answered. “Two months ago, I realized that maybe life could get better.”

 

With that, Shane got up and stretched his arms. He bent down to grasp at the handle harnessed to Axis. He stood there for a moment then nodded his head at Ryan in farewell.

 

“Wait, Shane. What changed your mind?” Ryan hurried to ask.

 

Shane smiled that peculiar smile again.

 

“You did,” he said before walking away, leaving Ryan more confused than ever.

 

* * *

 

**_ DAY 71 _ **

 

The family-owned diner bustled with the noise of utensils scraping on plates, the chatter of the customers, and the soft groovy music playing over the speakers. Ryan had a stack of chocolate chip pancakes in front of him. Shane had opted for a pile of blueberry waffles instead.

 

“I love waffles,” Shane said happily.

 

“Me too. But pancakes are amazing too,” Ryan replied.

 

“Bullshit. Pancakes are gross as fuck, man. It feels like there’s a pile of mush in your mouth.”

 

“You’re not eating the right kind of pancakes. These pancakes taste like heaven. You get that soft and fluffy feel in your mouth, then suddenly a burst of chocolate infiltrates your taste buds,” Ryan said dreamily. “Here, have a taste.”

 

He cut off a small triangular slice off the top pancake and held his fork near Shane’s mouth. “Say _ah_.”

 

Shane furrowed his eyebrows but opened up as Ryan plopped the piece inside his mouth. He chewed thoughtfully. Ryan waited in anticipation.

 

“It tastes okay,” he shrugged. “Now, taste this and tell me if your sucky pancakes can even compete with it.”

 

Just like Ryan had done, he cut off a slice of waffle and held it out in front of him. Ryan leaned forward on the table and took it in his mouth. If he was being completely honest, the waffles did taste better. But he didn’t want to inflate Shane’s already gigantic head even more.

 

“I’ve had better,” Ryan dismissed.

 

“Liar,” Shane called out with a smirk.

 

He groaned. “How do you always know when I’m lying?”

 

“Simple. It’s ‘cause you’re a terrible liar.”

 

He rolled his eyes. There was no use arguing with Shane. He was impervious to anything Ryan said. It even seemed like he enjoyed their fights.

 

“Ry, why do you like sunrises so much?”

 

“Hm? What’s with the random question?”

 

“I was just thinking about how you’re a really deep person. There always seems to be a reason behind everything you do. And I wondered if you jogging to the park everyday to see the sunrise had a deeper reason to it.”

 

Ryan was taken aback. He regarded how Shane knew him better than anyone.

 

“It’s a cheesy reason,” he confessed. “You wouldn’t want to hear it.”

 

“Of course I do. I always want to hear about you,” Shane said unabashedly. If his goal was to make Ryan blush, he had succeeded.

 

“Five years ago, I was in a bad place. I was fired from my job, I barely had money for food, much less rent, and eventually, I was homeless,” Ryan started. “I knew that my parents would have helped me, but I was too proud to ask. My friends even offered their places for me to stay in. During the days, I would find work, and during the nights, I would crash on someone’s couch. After a fortnight of that, I decided that I didn’t want to inconvenience anyone anymore. I took my chances on the streets. It sounds stupid now, I know, but back then, it seemed like the right thing to do.”

 

“Then what?”

 

“I moved from one public space to another — any place where I could get some shut-eye. I hated it, and I hated myself. Then, one night, I found myself at the park. I didn’t think there was anything special to the place — I merely threw myself down on _our_ bench and fell asleep. But when I woke up, guess what the first thing I saw was? Yeah, it was the sun rising up from behind the lake. I don’t know how, but seeing something that beautiful in the midst of all the ugliness in my life changed something in me. It gave me hope — something that I’d lost at the start. That day, I found myself a job carrying sacks of flour and sugar for the bakery. I slowly got my life back together. And now, five years later, I have a stable job and a place to call my own. But I never forgot how I got here. That’s why every day, I make it a point to remember.”

 

Shane was silent. Overcome by embarrassment, Ryan lowered his head and focused his attention on the rim of his coffee mug instead.

 

“You’re amazing, you know?” Shane finally said.

 

“Not on the same level as you, though,” Ryan countered humbly.

 

Shane smiled. “That’s right. You’re even better.”

 

In that moment, Ryan finally placed a name to what he felt for Shane. It wasn’t a brand-new feeling, never before felt by humankind — instead, it was one known to all by a simple four-letter word.

 

_Love._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there goes their tragic pasts... and a revelation about Ryan's feelings (which we all saw coming from a mile away). I don't think this chapter is up to par with the rest, but I still hope you enjoyed it. Thank you! :')


	6. Seventy Six

**_DAY 76_ **

 

It felt weird being with Shane, now that Ryan had openly admitted to himself that he might be just a tad bit in love with his friend. A part of him was still in denial — it felt impossible that he’d be feeling such a complex emotion for someone he had just met 2 months ago. He felt like a goddamn Disney princess. But he had to admit, there was something about his connection with Shane that was far from ordinary. Maybe it was because they both had a profound sense of hardship. Or maybe they were just two lonely people who had found each other. Or maybe they just really liked sitting in parks and gorging themselves on cinnamon buns — and yes, Shane was a filthy hypocrite for telling Ryan off for eating a lot of cinnamon buns.

 

“You’ve been acting _different_ the past few days,” Shane said, pulling Ryan out of his thoughts.

 

“No, I haven’t,” he replied a little bit too fast.

 

Ryan felt cornered. He really had tried to act like the realization of him falling in love with Shane wasn’t turning his world around. He must not have done a good job hiding it. There were times when he’d find himself zoning out of the conversation because he was busy thinking of Shane. Like how beautiful he looked when he smiled. Or how the birds seemed to stop singing whenever he laughed. Or how he made Ryan's toes curl every time their skin accidentally touched. Or how—

 

Shane sighed. “You know you can’t lie to me, right?"

 

Ryan shook his head. He had to stop zoning out.

 

"I'm not lying to you, Shane," he appeased.

 

"I'm a lot more sensitive to patterns. I can feel when people change the way they act around me. You're always so loud and mouthy, but recently, you've been more quiet.”

 

“I—it’s nothing,” Ryan stammered. “I’m just tired.”

 

“Tired of me?” Shane asked quietly. Ryan felt appalled at the suggestion.

 

“How could you think that?” he replied angrily. “When have I ever given you that impression?”

 

“It wouldn’t be the first time someone did,” he mumbled.

 

Ryan felt his anger ebb away. He understood that Shane’s sentiments weren’t anything against him. Shane had only stated it out of his fear of abandonment. He felt a rush of fury at the people who had made Shane feel this way, and a desire to show him that he’d never leave. Shane was breathing heavily, a telltale of his distress.

 

Before he could chicken out, Ryan’s hand found Shane’s and entangled their fingers together. Shane stiffened for a moment at the foreign sensation but eased up almost instantly. Without missing a beat, Ryan slid closer beside him until the sides of their arms were pressed together. He could feel the heat emitting from underneath Shane’s shirt.

 

Ryan couldn’t string a sentence to tell Shane how much he meant to him, and how he’d never tire of spending time with him. He couldn’t find the right words to encapsulate his thoughts. But maybe he didn’t need to say anything right now. Maybe the touch of his hand was enough. And as Shane’s breathing slowed back down to normal, Ryan knew that it was.


	7. Eighty Seven

_ DAY 87 _

 

Something had changed in the dynamic between the two of them, ever since that day. They still bantered like crazy, but then there were also those soft and tender moments where they’d sit side by side in silence and just enjoy each other’s presence. No one brought up what was going on between them, but for now, it was fine. Just knowing was okay. But it still came as a surprise when Shane invited Ryan over for dinner at their house.

 

“What if your brother hates me?” Ryan worried.

 

“Actually, he was the one who suggested it,” Shane informed him. “I suppose he got tired of hearing about you but never meeting you.”

 

“You talk about me to him?”

 

Shane smiled knowingly as Axis led them up the path to a beige two-story house. They had rendezvoused at the park for the second time that day, Shane insisting that Ryan would get lost if he made him go by himself. The journey from the park to Shane’s home took them a mere 10 minutes, and that included the many times Ryan got distracted by a pretty butterfly or a blooming hedge. As they stood in front of the closed front door, Ryan felt anxious again.

 

“Oh god. What if I mess this up?” he said as he clung tightly to Shane’s arm.

 

“Nothing you do could make me think any worse of you,” Shane teased, earning him a sharp jab in the ribs. “Hey! No attacking the disabled!”

 

Still sensing Ryan’s worry, he sighed. “Ry, you’re the most charming and thoughtful person I know. I’m sure he’ll love you.” And as a gesture of comfort, Shane raised his hand to offer Ryan a comforting pat on the head.

 

“What are you doing?” Ryan asked as he looked up to see Shane’s hand hovering inches above his head.

 

“Am I not patting your head? Where is it?”

 

“Down here, buddy,” Ryan said, bringing Shane’s hand to rest on the top of his head.

 

“Damn. I sometimes forget how short you are.”

 

“I’m 5-foot-10!” he remarked with faux offense. Ryan felt better, though. As long as Shane was by his side, he’d get through it.

 

The front door opened. Standing there was another tall fellow who resembled Shane. He had the same sharp features. But unlike his brother, he  had darker hair and a full beard.

 

“I thought I heard arguing,” he said.

 

Ryan blushed and muttered an apology. Scott chuckled and extended a hand.

 

“Call me Scott. And you must be the famous Ryan I’ve been hearing about a lot,” he introduced as they shook hands. “My brother would not shut up about you.”

 

“Yeah, I figured that out,” Ryan replied with a laugh.

 

“Shane’s not one to beat around the bush, ey? Come in, come in!”

 

He escorted them to a well-lit room. There were three sets of plates and cutlery already positioned around a small round dining table.

 

“Have a seat, Ryan. If you want to wash up, the bathroom’s across the hall. I’ll get the food ready,” Scott said before vanishing into an adjacent room.

 

“I’ll be back, okay?” Ryan told Shane.

 

“I know you will,” he replied.

 

***********

 

Dinner was a fun affair — and dessert time was even better. Just like all brothers, Scott and Shane loved poking fun at each other. As they ate bowls of ice cream, both tried to outdo the other in telling the most embarrassing tale. Ryan ended up snorting water up his nose as Scott regaled him with the story about finding a teenager Shane kissing his pillow.

 

“That’s a dark family secret!” Shane exclaimed.

 

“It’s payback is what it is! You told _him_ about that time I cried during sex!” Scott yelled back.

 

Ryan giggled furiously at their banter. This definitely beat all the lonely nights he spent holed up in his apartment.

 

“Hey, Ryan, settle this debate for us,” Shane called out to him.

 

“Depends on the question,” he said.

 

“Who’s better looking? Scott or me?”

 

“That’s unfair! Of course he’ll choose you,” Scott protested.

 

“Oh, Scott. You overestimate Ryan’s affections for me.”

 

Ryan shook his head in amusement. There was no winning in this one.

 

“Scott wins by a landslide,” Ryan answered.

 

Scott whooped loudly as Shane glared. “I asked who’s better looking, not who’s better _at_ looking. I’d obviously lose in that category.”

 

“The Ry-guy has spoken, brother,” chuckled Scott as he pushed away from the table and started stacking up their plates. “I’ll clean up.”

 

“I’ll help,” Ryan offered but was waved away.

 

“No worries. Just sit there and relax.”

 

“We’ll be out on the porch,” Shane quipped.

 

“Alright, but be careful,” Scott bid.

 

With a nod, Shane got up and gestured for Ryan to follow. They walked out the front door and settled down on the steps of the porch.

 

“Did you enjoy tonight?” Shane asked nervously. “I know we’re a bit much but—”

 

“Relax,” Ryan cut him off, sure that the man would end up rambling. “It was one of the best nights of my life.”

 

“Really?” Shane confirmed with a giant smile on his face.

 

“Really.”

 

Their hands found each other again.

 

“Hey Bergara, what do you feel about me?” Shane asked.

 

Ryan choked on his spit and ended up in a minute-long coughing session. Shane untangled their hands to give him hard pats on the back.

 

“S—s—sorry,” he apologized in between sharp inhales. “You sur—surprised me.”

 

“So…”

 

“How do _you_ feel about me?” Ryan threw back.

 

“You can’t answer my question with another question!”

 

“You’re not my mom. You can’t tell me what to do.”

 

“I can be your daddy,” Shane said with a wink.

 

“Gross!” Ryan exclaimed, his cheeks burning up.

 

“But seriously…”

 

Ryan sighed, knowing that he couldn’t prolong answering.  

 

“How about we say it at the same time? You know, about how we feel,” Ryan suggested.

 

“Alright. On three,” Shane agreed.

 

“Wait, _on_ the count of three? Or _after_?”

 

“After!”

 

“Okay. 1… 2… 3!”

 

“I love you.”

_“Potatoes!”_

There was a second of silence.

 

“Did you say _potatoes_?” Shane asked confusedly.

 

“Did you say that you love me?” Ryan asked, equally confused.

 

“Why is that more confusing that what _you_ said?”

 

“I don’t know, Shane. I think I’ve lost my mind.”

 

Shane grew quiet. He stood up and placed his hands on his hips, his lips clamped tightly together.

 

“What’s wrong?” asked Ryan as he followed suit.

 

“Are you seriously asking that?” he answered angrily.

 

“Huh?”

 

“I said that I love you and you said potatoes. And— ugh— you’re so confusing,” Shane ranted.

 

“Oh!” Ryan exclaimed in realization. “Shane, I _do_ love you! Didn’t I say it yet?”

 

“No! When would you have possibly squeezed that in, between your _potato_ statement and your declaration that you’ve _lost_ your mind?”

 

“My brain is seriously a puddle right now. I have no idea what’s happening,” Ryan confessed.

 

“And why is that?”

 

“Because you said that you love me. And I’ve always thought I was the only one. I mean I knew you had to feel _something_ , but I never imagined it would be _love_.”

 

Shane was mollified. The frown on his face turned up into a breathtaking smile.

 

“This was not how I imagined our conversation to be,” Shane said. “I thought we’d passionately declare our love for each other, then share a kiss under the stars.”

 

“There’s still time for that kiss,” Ryan suggested, the joy on Shane’s face mirrored on his own.

 

“Guide me,” Shane whispered.

 

Ryan’s heart was thumping so hard that he feared it would burst out of his chest. He placed Shane’s hands on his waist. He wrapped one arm around Shane’s neck and pressed the other hand against his chest. Ryan gazed up at him, his stomach churning with both nervousness and excitement. They were so close that Ryan could hear Shane’s ragged breaths. Slowly, Ryan drew him down to him.

 

The moment their lips touched, everything else melted away. It was gentle and light and better than any of them could have imagined. Shane’s lips were as soft as he expected. Ryan felt a growl form, deep in his throat, as his desire consumed him. Without breaking the kiss, he went up a step on the porch so that they were at the same height. He moved his hand to the back of Shane’s head and tangled his fingers in his hair. He tugged lightly, making Shane gasp against him. Ryan took him in, tasting the sweetness of his mouth — he tasted like vanilla ice cream and chocolate syrup and everything Ryan loved. He would have been contented kissing Shane until the end of time, but the need to breathe made that impossible.

 

Both panting hard, they pulled away. Shane was flushed in the cheeks, and the back of his hair was sticking out in odd directions.

 

“I love you,” Ryan said. He had never been so sure of something in his whole life.

 

“And I, you,” Shane responded, cupping Ryan’s face and pressing a short, heated kiss on his lips.

 

Ryan felt light-headed after and accidentally stepped right off the porch step. He stumbled and would have fallen, had not Shane been holding him tightly.

 

“Woah, there’s no need to swoon,” Shane joked.

 

“Sorry. I’m just really happy,” said Ryan, not even bothering to think of a comeback.

 

Shane exhaled. “I wish I could see you. I wish I knew what you looked like whenever I say _I love you_.”

 

“You don’t have to see me to know,” Ryan said. “Tell me again.”

 

“I love you, Ryan Steven Bergara,” he said sincerely, although quite puzzled.

 

Ryan took Shane’s hand and pressed it against his chest, right against his heart. He could feel it beating hard and fast, and he knew that Shane could feel it too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.


	8. Ninety Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Filler up ahead! Enjoy :")

_ DAY 94 _

 

Nothing could describe how happy Ryan had been for the past week. Though he prioritized his responsibilities at work, he still made sure to put Shane up there with it. He would spend most of his free time with him, doing the most random things. And today, they were going on their first official date. Ryan had run everything with Scott. He knew that he had to be extra vigilant today, especially since it’d only be the two of them — not even Axis was tagging along.

 

“Where are we going?” Shane asked from the passenger seat.

 

“It’s a surprise,” Ryan said in a singsong voice. “And stop asking me. We’re almost there.”

 

“That’s the good thing about taking me to surprise dates.”

 

“What is?”

 

“You don’t need to waste money on blindfolds,” he deadpanned.

 

Ryan laughed. “It would never be a waste if it’s for you.”

 

“Oh stop, Bergara. You’re such a sap.”

 

Ryan hummed in response. As they drove on, he began to see the masses of people and the large structures looming in front of them. With a keen eye, he was able to spot an empty parking space a considerate distance from the entrance. He quickly pulled into it.

 

“We’re here!” he exclaimed excitedly.

 

“Can I remove my blindfold now?” Shane joked.

 

“Very funny,” Ryan said sarcastically as he got out and hurried to the passenger side. Shane was already clambering out of his seat. Ryan instantly intertwined their hands.

 

“Where do you think we are?” Ryan quizzed. He walked them toward the entrance booth and queued behind a short line.

 

“There’s a lot of people for sure. It’s really noisy,” Shane listed. “I can hear screaming in the distance,” he inhaled deeply, “and it smells like cotton candy.”

 

“Yes…” Ryan prompted.

 

“I therefore conclude that we’re at a clown murder scene,” Shane surmised.

 

“I hate you.”

 

“Just kidding, babe,” he said as pulled Ryan to his chest and rested his chin on top of his head. “I know we’re at that carnival that came to town.”

 

“Mmnmnme,” Ryan mumbled inaudibly against his neck.

 

“I didn’t catch that,” Shane laughed as he let go.

 

“I said you’re lucky that I love you.”

 

“And so I am,” he replied.

 

***********

 

They had the time of their lives. Ryan, who already loved rollercoasters and rides, enjoyed it even more with the person he loved by his side. And Shane, who had sorely missed going to carnivals, felt great contentment and joy at being able to go there with Ryan. Even when they arrived back at Shane’s house that evening, they were still filled with a sense of wonder and awe at the fun-filled adventure.

 

Ryan walked Shane up the pavement, feeling like a teenager bringing his date home from prom.

 

“Do you want some water?” Shane asked, as Ryan unlocked the door.

 

“Yeah, sure,” he accepted. “Thank you.”

 

“I wouldn’t want you to dehydrate on the way home,” Shane japed.

 

They entered the house, which was now very familiar to Ryan, and made their way to the kitchen. Scott was sitting on a stool, a mug of coffee in one hand and a pocket book in the other.

 

“How was it?” Scott asked aloud, without taking his eyes off the book. “Did Ryan show you a good time?”

 

“It was okay,” Ryan said modestly.

 

“It was awesome,” Shane said instead, as he passed Ryan a glass of cold water. “Don’t sell yourself short, Ry. I had a great time.”

 

“Are you staying the night?” Scott added, his eyebrows waggling suggestively.

 

“I know you’re doing that stupid thing with your eyebrows. Stop,” Shane carped. His cheeks were a light shade of pink.

 

“No, I better head home,” Ryan answered, his face burning at the suggestion. “I’m just here for some water.”

 

“Alright,” Scott conceded. “Drive safe.”

 

With a final wave of goodbye to Scott, he allowed Shane to take him by the hand. They continued outside and stopped at the bottom of the porch.

 

“Here’s fine,” Ryan said.

 

“Hey, sorry about Scott. He can be a bit of a dick sometimes.”

 

“Don’t worry about it,” Ryan said nonchalantly, though he was feeling the exact opposite. “It was funny.”

 

“It made you uncomfortable. I could tell.” There was a hidden tone of sadness in Shane’s voice, but Ryan knew him well enough to hear it.

 

“But not for the reason you’re thinking,” Ryan asserted. He knew that Shane, no matter how confident he painted himself to be, had his own fears and doubts, just like any other person.

 

Shane breathed out. “Really? So you’d be okay staying the night?”

 

“Of course I would, but not tonight. I know how exhausted you are.”

 

Shane smiled at him. His fears had vanished.

 

“Get some rest, okay?” Ryan followed up.

 

“You too. I know how hard I am to manage in crowded places — _and don’t even argue with me_ ,” Shane added, sensing Ryan’s incoming objections. “I know I am. But thank you for not letting me feel that way.”

 

Ryan was appeased. “Of course. I love you.”

 

“I love you, too,” Shane replied, leaning down to kiss him softly.

 

“See you tomorrow?”

 

“Always. Be safe.”


	9. One Hundred

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to change the story tag for this one :') Hint: enjoy this short chapter, because after...

__ DAY 100  
  


Ryan finally decided to stay the night.

 

After spending the whole afternoon and most of the evening at the beach with Shane, he knew he wanted to spend the night with him as well. And as much as Shane tried being subtle about it, Ryan figured out the hints Shane had been dropping throughout the day.

 

“Do you mind if I stay?” Ryan asked him as he pulled up to their driveway.

 

Shane acted surprised. “You want to stay? Well, you’re always welcome.”

 

“How surprising," said Ryan with a roll of his eyes. "I guess Scott will have a field day when he sees me.”

 

“About that…” Shane had a sly smile on his face, “he’s not around tonight…”

 

“Why not?” asked Ryan, though he knew the answer.

 

“He _suddenly_ decided to sleep over at a friend’s house. I have no idea why.”

 

“And what about Axis?”

 

Shane mimed thinking hard. “I believe Scott brought him with him.”

 

“What a _strange_ coincidence.”

 

***********

 

Ryan lay there, his mind still reeling from bliss. His head was resting in the curve of Shane’s neck, and his hands were balled into fists against Shane’s bare chest. And though his body was sore, it was a good kind of pain — a pain he’d be happy to have all over again.

 

He had to admit, when they crashed on to Shane’s bed, he didn’t know how this was going to happen. He had no clue what to do. He had no idea of what he _specifically_ wanted. All he had was the desire to show Shane how much he loved him. But as Shane’s hands trailed down his body, he found himself surrendering all the need for control.

 

The first time they did it, it was as sweet and gentle as their first kiss. Shane held him close as he took Ryan to the very height of ecstasy. Shane whispered sweet nothings in Ryan’s ear as wave after wave of pleasure racked through his body. And when Shane joined him a few seconds later, moaning Ryan’s name against his lips, Ryan decided that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with him.

 

After that, things got more heated. What he didn’t expect was how frisky Shane could get. Shane had said, in a deep growl that made Ryan’s toes curl, that he wanted to memorize every inch of Ryan’s body with his mouth. Ryan let him, losing himself with every hot press of Shane’s lips against his skin. And once Shade had him panting and squirming, Ryan took over and gladly returned the favor. He lived for the sounds Shane made as Ryan explored all 6-feet and 4-inches of him. He reveled in hearing how much he made Shane feel good.

 

When Shane took Ryan for another ride, the earlier gentleness was long gone. Ryan remembered thinking how glad he was that Scott and Axis weren’t here. In between their loud moans, the reverberating squeak of the bed, and the incessant banging of the headboard against the wall, he was sure anyone in the house would have been traumatized — animals included.

 

And now, having tired themselves out, they were enjoying just cuddling with each other.

 

“Hey, Shane?” Ryan said as he kissed the flushed skin of Shane’s neck.

 

“Mmm?” he hummed in reply, taking one of Ryan’s hands and tangling their fingers together.

 

“I love you so much,” he chirped happily. He nuzzled into Shane’s chest, breathing in his scent.

 

“I love you, too,” Shane chuckled. “You weren’t how I expected in bed.”

 

Ryan raised his head. A frown settled on his face. “I know I’m not that experienced…”

 

“No, you misunderstand me,” Shane said immediately. “I meant you’re very _enthusiastic_. I just thought you’d be a bit shy at first.”

 

Ryan blushed. “Sorry. I got a little excited.”

 

“Don’t apologize.” Shane kissed him on the forehead. “I loved it. I never want you to be shy with me.”

 

Ryan resumed his position. With his free hand, he drew little patterns on Shane’s chest.

 

“I want to stay like this forever,” Shane whispered.

 

“We can, you know, do this forever,” Ryan murmured sleepily.

 

Shane pulled him closer, his fingers brushing at Ryan’s cheek. “I’d like that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: this chapter wasn't in the final draft I made. I wrote this yesterday because it just seemed right for them to have an intimate scene like this. Hope I didn't disappoint!


	10. One Hundred Four

**_ DAY 104 _ **

 

Ryan, Shane, and Axis had just gotten back from their morning walk to the park. Surprisingly, Scott was already up when they got back. He had cooked them breakfast.

 

“I think I’m finally getting used to the sound of you and Shane at night,” Scott said, raising his coffee mug in mock salute.

 

Ryan spilled a bit of orange juice from his mouth. Shane barked out a laugh.

 

“Just wear headphones to sleep,” Shane suggested, as he shoveled scrambled eggs into his mouth.

 

“I already do,” Scott grumbled. “Even Axis whines like crazy.”

 

"Not my fault," Shane grinned. "Ryan's really loud. It's like he has a microphone in his throat or something."

 

Ryan kicked Shane from underneath the table, and mumbled an apology to Scott. For the past 3 days, he had been sleeping over at Shane's room. He would swear to himself that they’d just sleep, in consideration of Scott’s presence in the house, but it all went down the drain when Shane would kiss him into the sheets.

 

“Don’t worry, Ryan. You’re still welcome here,” Scott directed at him. "I know Shane's the clingy one."

 

"Hey!"

 

Ryan smiled gratefully. “Actually, I just stay the night so I don't have to cook breakfast the next day. And you're right. Shane's _annoyingly_ clingy.”

 

“That’s not what you were screaming last night,” Shane snorted.

 

Ryan kicked him again.

 

“Okay, I _do not_ need to hear this.” Scott stood up. “Leave the dishes on the table when you’re done. Oh, and Shane, I need to talk to you later.”

 

Shane raised an eyebrow but said nothing. Ryan finished off the rest of his bacon quickly.

 

“You can talk now,” Ryan offered. “I need to get going, anyways.”

 

“Ryan, you don’t have to—” Scott began.

 

“It’s fine. My boss will kill me if I’m late again.”

 

Ryan threw on his jacket, grabbed his car keys and phone from the table, and stuffed them in different pockets.

 

“Let me at least show you out,” Shane said.

 

Shane walked with him. In the middle of the hallway, Ryan stumbled on an untied shoelace. Waving off Shane’s attempt to help, he quickly tied his laces and continued outside. 

 

"Shane, I think I'll sleep at home tonight," he said.

 

"I thought you liked our  _sleepovers_ ," Shane grumbled.

 

Ryan laughed. "I do, but Scott needs a good night's sleep. I'll see you tomorrow." 

 

After Ryan kissed him, he stayed to watch Shane go back inside. Once he was in, Ryan walked to his car, feeling in his jacket’s pockets for his car keys. A flash of panic crossed him as his hand only found air. He recalled putting it in his right pocket. He looked around, wondering if he dropped it.

 

“Oh!” he cried out as he slapped a hand to his forehead. He remembered that he had tripped in the hallway. The keys might have fallen in the hall.

 

Ryan made his way back to the front door, feeling slightly embarrassed at having to bother the Madej brothers. He tried to open the door, hoping it wasn’t locked. To his amazement, it wasn’t. He would just be in and out — there was no need to alert them of his presence.

 

“I need to talk to Shane about locking doors,” he mumbled quietly.

 

Ryan was able to see his car keys reflecting down the hallway. As quietly as he could, he stalked his way there. He could hear Scott and Shane’s distant voices from the kitchen, growing louder as he inched closer. Once he had retrieved the keys, he turned to leave — but the sudden mention of his name made him freeze.

 

“—Ryan!”

 

Ryan knew he should leave, but something prevented him from going. Maybe it was the heartbroken way Shane had said his name. Ryan tiptoed closer to the kitchen, and pressed himself against the wall. He heard Scott let out a heavy sigh.

 

“I know you don’t want to leave Ryan,” Scott sympathized. “I really like him. But you have to think about yourself. I’m sure he’d want you to go through with this.”

 

“Scott, you’re asking me to go to God-knows-where for an _experimental treatment_ that may or may not even work,” Shane fumed. “And for 8 to 12 months too? No way.”

 

“I told you, there’s a 50% chance that you’ll get your eyesight back,” Scott pleaded, his voice dripping with desperation. “They already have recent successes. You can get the chance to _see_ again. Don’t tell me you don’t want that.”

 

“And if it doesn’t work? I don’t want to be disappointed again.”

 

“Then at least you tried.”

 

“But I would have wasted a year of my life. And Ryan would be long gone,” Shane sighed.

 

“I’m positive that Ryan would want you to go. I’m even sure that he’d wait for you.”

 

“I know,” Shane said shakily. “I know he’d want me to go. I know he’d wait for me. And that’s exactly why I’m not telling him. I can’t ask him to put a year of his life on hold for me. He could find someone in that time. He could be happy with someone who’s _whole_.”

 

“Don’t talk like that. You know he loves you. That’s why he’d never forgive himself if he found out that he’s the reason why you stayed.”

 

“And I’d never forgive myself if I went.”

 

“Shane—”

 

“My decision is final. I’m not going,” Shane ended.

 

“I hope you don’t regret this,” Scott said sadly. “But if you change your mind, the offer still stands until the end of the week.”

 

Ryan heard the scraping of chairs against the floor as they stood up. He forced himself away from the spot, his heart beating a million times per second. He didn’t know how he managed, but he was able to leave undetected then drive home. Instead of going to work, he decided to call in a sick day.

 

After ending his call with his boss, he crawled into bed, not knowing what else to do. He felt the weight of everything he had heard crash down on him. He didn’t want to stop what he had with Shane, but he didn’t want to live the rest of his life knowing that Shane gave up the chance to see, for him. Scott had gotten that right. He wouldn’t be able to forgive himself if that happened. But he also knew that Shane would never go, even if he begged him to.

 

There was only one thing to do. And though it broke Ryan apart to even consider it, he knew it had to be done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry :'(


	11. One Hundred Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :'(

**_ DAY 105 _ **

 

The next day, Ryan rolled himself out of bed. He hadn’t slept a wink last night — his eyes were bloodshot and there were dark bags forming under them. He had just lain there, staring at his ceiling, dreading the moment that he had to get up. 

 

He planned to get to Shane’s house before he and Axis left. Ryan didn't want to do this in the park. He couldn't. Ryan considered taking his car there, but he knew he could never drive safely after what would happen. He didn’t want to endanger anyone.

 

Ryan ran his usual route, but instead of stopping at the park, he continued all the way to the two-story house, which had become his second home. He sat down on the steps of the porch, his heart aching as he flashbacked to the night they first kissed. He gazed down at his hands dolefully, until he heard the front door open behind him.

 

Axis barked gleefully, his tail wagging, as he saw Ryan.

 

“Woah, boy,” Shane called.

 

Ryan stood up. “Shane.”

 

“Ryan? What’re you doing here?” Shane put on a smile that made him go weak.

 

“We need to talk,” Ryan said, his voice trembling. Axis, sensing something was wrong with him, nudged his knee reassuringly.

 

“About what? Are you okay?” Shane asked concernedly.

 

“I—” Ryan knew he had to do this now. The longer he waited, the harder it was for him.

 

He considered trashing the whole plan. _'Shane_ _wants to be with me. I want to be with him. Just be together,’_ Ryan thought selfishly. But he ignored that part of his brain.

 

“Ryan, I’m getting worried. What’s happening?”

 

“I can’t be with you anymore, Shane,” Ryan finally let out. His vision blurred as tears formed in his eyes.

 

Shane looked like he had been struck with lightning. “What?”

 

“We need to stop this,” Ryan continued, fighting down the shaking in his voice.

 

“You’re kidding, right?” Shane laughed mirthlessly. “This is a joke? Good one, Ryan. You got me.”

 

Ryan dug his nails into the palm of his hands. “I’m not kidding. We’re done.”

 

 _“Why?”_ he asked, his voice cracking. Axis whined from beside him.

 

“I can’t be with you anymore,” Ryan answered. "But it's not you, it's—"

 

“ _Don't you dare finish that sentence. Don't you dare use that cliché bullshit on me."_

 

"I don't know what you want to hear, Shane," Ryan whispered. He closed his eyes momentarily, not wanting to see the tortured look on Shane's face anymore.

 

“If you’re going to lie about wanting to break up with me, at least try to make it convincing!” he snapped.

 

“Wanna know the truth?” Ryan bellowed. He knew he had to pull this off, even if it went against everything he felt. Even if it tore his heart in two. “It’s because I can’t handle this! I can’t handle you! It’s too much! I’m tired, Shane. I’m tired of having to try so hard.”  _Lie._

 

"You're lying..." Shane whispered, his eyes brimming with tears.  _Truth._

 

Ryan wanted to throw himself in front of a bus — the image of Shane's face was seared into his brain. He knew he had said the things that Shane always feared — that he’d grow tired of him.

 

"Let me go, Shane," Ryan choked out. "You have to let me go. I want  _out_."  _Lie._

 

“You’re lying…” Shane repeated, though it was more to assure himself.  _Truth._

 

“I’m not. You know I'm not.”  _Lie._

 

“I thought you were happy with me.”  _I am. So much happier than anyone could be._

 

Ryan stifled a sob. He couldn’t afford to break down now. “I'm not.”  _Lie._

 

"What happened to  _forever_? Was that all a lie, too?"  _NO. NEVER._

 

"There was a time I believed in it, but that was before. Now, I'm just tired."  _LIE._

 

“Why?” Shane cried, his sightless eyes meeting his.

 

Ryan's breath hitched in his throat. It took all the strength left in him to get out an answer.

 

“I guess I finally opened my eyes. Goodbye, Shane.” 

 

Ryan turned around and walked away. Each step he took away from Shane was another stab in his chest. He forced himself to look straight, knowing that if he looked back, he might never leave. When he heard the loud slam of the door, he knew that it was safe. He glanced back.

 

All the memories struck him at once.

 

Ryan couldn’t believe he was leaving. Leaving the house. Leaving his heart. Leaving Shane.

 

"I'll be fine," Ryan muttered to himself repeatedly.

 

_Lie._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :'(


	12. ● ● ●    - - -    ●●●

**_ DAY 110 _ **

In the few days after they broke up, Ryan had still seen Shane in the park, on their special bench, in the morning. Ryan had to put all his willpower into not running to Shane and begging him to take him back. Whenever he saw Shane, he turned around and walked back home.

 

But today was different. Today, Shane was no longer there.

 

Ryan dragged his feet over to the bench. It felt completely wrong, sitting there alone without Shane’s presence by his side. He even missed Axis, who he had come to regard with as much affection as if he were his own. The peace and silence only reminded Ryan of how quiet it was without Shane’s incessant bantering. The pinkish hue in the sky reminded him of how Shane would blush ever so slightly whenever Ryan told him he loved him. The sugary aroma of the cinnamon buns in his lap reminded him of how sweet Shane tasted everytime they kissed. And the sunrise — he couldn’t even bother to look at it without his throat closing up. It reminded him of too much. It reminded him of _everything_.

 

Tired of wallowing in sadness, Ryan’s mind leapt to the text he had received from Scott last night.

 

 _“Shane told me you guys weren’t together anymore. He’s really broken up about it. Actually, he doesn’t know I’m texting you right now. He agreed to undergo an experimental treatment for his blindness, but that’ll mean he won’t be coming back for a long time. He doesn’t want you to know, but I think you deserve to. I don’t know why you chose to break it off, Shane wouldn’t tell me, but whatever it is, I’d still like to thank you for making Shane happy for the past months,”_ Scott had texted him.

Ryan hadn’t replied. There was nothing left to say. At the very least, Ryan felt glad that Shane agreed to go through with the treatment. It meant that his plan worked. And maybe knowing that his sacrifice hadn’t been for nothing would help him go on with his life.

 

* * *

 

_**DAY 132** _

 

It was so hard without Shane.

 

* * *

 

_ **DAY 179** _

 

Ryan stopped going to the park. He didn’t care for the sunrise anymore — it was all just a bunch of stupid colors.

 

* * *

 

_ **DAY 201** _

 

Ryan’s brother, Jake, had a dog — a Siberian Husky named Luna. Jake asked if he could look after Luna for two weeks, while he went on a trip with his friends.

 

Luna’s name brought back a distant memory of Shane telling him that he was like the earth, revolving around Axis, his dog.

 

 _‘And here I am. Like the moon. Still revolving around you,’_ Ryan thought.

 

* * *

 

_ **DAY 212** _

 

Ryan turned restlessly in his sleep. Even his dreams didn't offer him any solace from reality. 

 

Luna raised her head from the floor at the sound of Ryan whimpering. At once, she nosed her way into Ryan’s arms as he slept. She felt Ryan’s hold on her tighten, as tears came to him in his dreams.

 

* * *

 

_ DAY 226_

 

Jake was back. He took Luna and thanked Ryan for helping out.

 

Ryan has never felt more alone.


	13. ● ● ● - - - ●●●

**_ DAY 271 _ **

 

“Hi!”

 

Ryan looked up from his laptop. He was at a café, trying to get some work done while having a soothing cup of coffee. Standing in front of him was a cute guy with Asian features and grey-dyed hair.

 

“Hi?” Ryan said, the end of the syllable inflecting into a question.

 

“I’m Steven,” the guy introduced. “I’ve seen you around here a few times, and my friends finally pushed me to say hi.”

 

“Oh, um…” Ryan stumbled. “Okay.”

 

Steven’s face fell. “I’m sorry. I know this is stupid. I— I’ll go.”

 

“Wait! I didn’t mean…” Ryan sighed. “I’m not looking for anything right now, if that’s what you’re here for.”

 

“No, no, no,” Steven said, his hands waving frantically. “I’m not looking for a relationship too! You just caught my eye because your sneakers are always lit.”

 

Ryan glanced down at his Nike Epic React Flyknit sneaks. It was only one of his many pairs of shoes.

 

“You like sneakers?” Ryan asked.

 

“Yeah! But I like sports more. Do you play?”

 

“A little of basketball.”

 

“Maybe we can hang sometimes!” Steven said excitedly.

 

Ryan smiled. “Sure, that’d be great.”

 

They exchanged numbers before saying goodbye. Ryan bit his lip and gazed out the café’s glass wall. Maybe it was time for a change.

 

* * *

 

**_ DAY 291 _ **

 

Ryan slowly got his life back together. He had been accepted into BuzzFeed, which was where Steven worked. For now, he was working as a researcher for the content of some of the company’s different original series. But he hoped that maybe in the future, he could have his own.

 

* * *

 

**_ DAY 330 _ **

 

He had been invited on an episode of Steven’s show: Worth It. They were doing an episode on sneakers from different price ranges. He had a lot of fun.

 

* * *

 

**_ DAY 358 _ **

 

The fans loved Ryan. With newfound confidence and gaining popularity, Ryan was able to pitch an idea for a series that tackled unsolved crime cases and supernatural mysteries.

 

He wondered if Shane would have been proud of him.

 

* * *

 

**_ DAY 362 _ **

 

Ryan’s idea was approved. Now, he had to come up with the script and content for the pilot episode.

 

* * *

 

**_ DAY 366 _ **

 

It was the anniversary of when he first met Shane.

 

Ryan stared wistfully at the polaroid picture of them together. In the picture, Ryan was in the middle of a laugh. Shane, meanwhile, was kissing Ryan's cheek, his eyes scrunched together and a smile visible from the corner of his mouth. He remembered taking the picture.

 

_Shane was chilling on his bed, listening to the music blaring from his bluetooth speaker. Ryan was on the floor, sifting through Shane's drawer._

 

_"Hey! This is the camera that prints out pictures, right?" Ryan exclaimed, excitedly grabbing at the Polaroid camera he found._

 

_"Oh, I forgot I had one of those, but yeah. Not sure if it still works, though."_

 

_Ryan clambered up the bed and snuggled into Shane's side. Shane automatically wrapped an arm around his shoulder._

 

_"Let's try it!"_

 

_He turned the camera around so that the lens were facing them. Ryan put on a big smile._

 

_"On three. 1, 2—"_

 

_Shane suddenly kissed Ryan's cheek, making him laugh in surprise._

 

_"3!"_

 

_The camera flashed, momentarily blinding Ryan._

 

_"Oh gosh. I can't see," he grumbled, blinking away the imprint of the flash._

 

_"I wonder what that feels like," Shane said sarcastically, but he was smiling._

 

_"Shut up, Madej." Ryan kissed him briefly. "It does work! This is really cute."_

 

_Ryan was in awe at the small picture. They looked happy._

 

_"Do I look good?" Shane asked._

 

_"You know you do," Ryan replied with a roll of his eyes._

 

Ryan smiled at the bittersweet memory. He gazed at the picture one more time before carefully placing it behind his phone case. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying hard not to cry in the middle of the office. He didn't want anyone asking him what was wrong.

 

"Ryan! A couple of us are going to a club after. Wanna come?" Steven asked, bounding happily toward him.

 

"Yes. Please."

 

He needed something to dull the pain.

 

***********

 

Ryan was on the dance floor, dancing like his life depended on it. He was completely wasted. Other people gave him a wide berth, trying not to get in the way of his flailing arms. 

 

"What's with Ryan today?" Adam asked, pointing his bottle of beer in Ryan's direction. "He never gets this drunk."

 

"I don't know, but I think he needs it," Steven answered. "He's been looking down all day."

 

"Should we stop him?" Andrew was now looking fearfully at Ryan, who had dropped to the floor to do  _The Worm_.

 

Steven laughed. "Let him have his fun. No one seems to mind."

 

An hour later, Ryan stumbled his way to a nearby booth. Everything was spinning around him.

 

"Ughhh," he groaned. He felt sick.

 

"Ryan? Is that you?"

 

Ryan looked up at the blurry figure of a tall man. He squinted an eye, trying to stop the man from swirling.

 

"Who are you?" was what he meant to say, but it came out as an unintelligible babble.

 

"Let's get you home," the man said, stooping down to support him. 

 

Ryan hummed happily, letting the man lead him out of the club and into a car. His intoxicated mind didn't even question this.

 

The car began moving. Ryan rolled down the window and stuck his head out, loving the feel of the wind on his face.

 

"Don't. You'll lose your head," the man cautioned, pulling him back to his seat. "You're so drunk, Ryan."

 

"'M not..." 

 

"You are. Why?"

 

Ryan hiccuped. He felt tears burning in his eyes, as he remembered why he had gone out in the first place.

 

"S—shane."

 

The man glanced at him, a look of confusion on his face. "Shane?"

 

Ryan nodded. His tears were spilling freely on his cheeks. "Miss him. L—love him."

 

"But you broke up with him. He told me."

 

Some of Ryan's ability to talk coherently came back. 

 

Ryan shook his head. "Hi—his eyes. He had to g—go. I had to make him go."

 

"Oh..."

 

Ryan closed his eyes and fell asleep. 

 

Scott stole glances at him, his mind racing with the revelation. All this time, Shane had thought Ryan didn't love him anymore. It was now clear that that wasn't the case.

 

When they arrived outside Ryan's apartment, Scott supported him again and brought him up to his home. Feeling for the key in Ryan's jeans, he unlocked the door and carried Ryan to his bed. He went to the kitchen and placed a glass of water on the bedside table.

 

Ryan was still asleep when Scott let himself out.

 

* * *

 

**_ DAY 367 _ **

 

When Ryan woke up, he didn’t remember anything that had happened the past night.

 

* * *

 

**_ DAY 381 _ **

 

Another female co-worker asked him out to dinner. Ryan declined politely. He had plenty of men and women express interest in him, but he could never bring himself to accept any offers.

 

He still loved Shane.

 


	14. ● ● ● - - - ●●●

** _ DAY 410 _ **

 

It’s been 10 months since Shane left. Ryan knew this meant that his treatment was almost over, if not already finished. 

 

He longed to see him again, even if he was sure Shane would never forgive him for the way he had ended their relationship.

 

Maybe Ryan didn’t deserve him. Maybe it was better if they never saw each other again.

 

* * *

 

**_ DAY 431 _ **

 

The suspense was killing him. He didn't even know if Shane would choose to come back after. 

 

Ryan tried calling Scott with the same number from months before. He had to explore deep into his inbox to find that text message again. But when he dialled it, he heard an automatic message stating that the number was unavailable. 

 

He was filled with both disappointment and relief. _Disappointment_ because he had no way of knowing. _Relief_ because he didn't have to face the consequences of what he did. 

 

When the thoughts became too much, Ryan would bury himself in work — he would work all day and all night. Eventually, his friends confronted him of his obsessive behaviour. They were worried about him. Ryan assured them it was just because he wanted Unsolved to be perfect.

 

But he didn't stop. Distracting himself was the only way he could stop thinking about Shane.

 

* * *

 

**_ DAY 450 _ **

 

"Ryan, tell me the truth," Steven said as he pulled up into the driveway of Ryan's apartment. He had offered to give Ryan a ride home.

 

"What?"

 

Steven parked the car then turned to him in the passenger's seat. 

 

"You've been acting weird lately. Like really weird," he said. "I know you said that you're just trying to perfect Unsolved, but I call bullshit. This isn't you."

 

Ryan rolled his eyes at him. "Don't worry about me. I'm fine."

 

"No, you're not. Remember how I promised that you could always trust me with anything? I meant that promise."

 

Ryan opened his mouth to make a joke about how cheesy Steven was being, but at the thought of promises, he broke down. 

 

They sat there in the car for an hour as Ryan told him everything. He had to claw into the leather seat to keep going. Once he was finished, he was a mess. Ryan stared down at his lap, afraid that Steven would judge him for letting a failed romance ruin his life so much.

 

"Ry, I get it," Steven finally said. "Thank you for sharing that with me. I know it wasn't easy."

 

"I know it's shallow..."

 

"It's not. And you're strong as fuck for still functioning after all that happened. I wouldn't have known what to do with my life anymore."

 

"You're overestimating me," Ryan sniffled. 

 

"You're underestimating yourself," Steven glared. "Look, it's not going to be easy, but if you want to heal, you need to take baby steps. You can't expect to recover from this with one bounce. It takes time."

 

Ryan thanked him and got out of the car, promising to call him if he needed someone to talk to. As Steven drove away, Ryan remained standing on the sidewalk, thinking back to their conversation. 

 

Steven was right. He needed to take baby steps. He would heal eventually.

 

* * *

 

**_ DAY 455 _ **

 

Ryan tried to return to his normal routine before he met Shane. He started going back on his morning jogs, but couldn’t bring himself to go back to the park.

 

* * *

 

**_ DAY 466 _ **

 

Ryan stopped by the outskirts of the park, but left immediately.


	15. Four Hundred Eighty Four

**_ DAY 484 _ **

 

As Ryan laced up his running shoes, he decided that maybe it was time to go back. Maybe he was ready. There was something about this day that beckoned him there.

 

He jogged his route, his chest tightening with every step he took closer to the park. As he drew near, he was overwhelmed with a rush of sentimentality. Everything was still the same, as if it was untouched by the past 11 months. The trees were still standing tall, the benches were all unoccupied, and the lake—  

 

Ryan froze as he saw a man standing near the edge of the lake. The figure had his back turned to him, oblivious that he had company.

 

His heart skipped a beat as he took in the familiar red flannel, dark jeans, and brown boots. Ryan could recognize him, even with his back turned.

 

_Shane Madej._

 

Ryan walked forward until he was a few feet behind him. He stood there, watching as Shane’s head occasionally turned from left to right, as if he was taking in the view. As if he could _actually_ see. 

 

Without warning, his tears fell heavily down his cheeks. He was filled with immeasurable joy, knowing that Shane had gotten his eyesight back. It was worth it — all the pain, suffering, and heartache. Ryan clapped a hand to his mouth as a sob escaped his lips, but it was too late — Shane had heard.

 

As Shane turned around, Ryan launched himself at him. He wrapped his arms around Shane’s torso and buried his face against Shane’s chest, pulling him into a tight hug.

 

“What the fuck?” Shane exclaimed, taken completely by surprise.

 

Ryan felt him try to pry him off, so he held on even tighter. His tears were spilling freely on Shane’s shirt. He realized that Shane had stopped trying to get him off.

 

“Ryan?” Shane asked, his voice hoarse and shaky.

 

Ryan nodded against his chest. He couldn’t stop crying, but Shane didn’t seem to mind. Instead, he returned the embrace. Ryan felt himself melt against Shane’s body as the latter pulled him closer. He could feel Shane rest his head on top of his, as his arms wrapped around Ryan’s waist. They stayed in that position for a long time, unspeaking and unmoving, the touch of their bodies conveying 11 months’ worth of emotions.

 

Eventually, Shane lifted his head. 

 

“Ryan, look at me,” Shane said softly.

 

Ryan moved his face away from Shane’s chest, but continued to look down.

 

“Hey, what’s wrong?”

 

In Ryan’s mind, he was panicking. This would be the first time Shane would see him. He was afraid of not living up to Shane’s expectations.

 

What if he was disappointed? What if he realized that he never really loved Ryan? What if he wasn't good enough for Shane?

 

"What if you see me and I don’t look the way you expected?” Ryan babbled, his body shaking uncontrollably.

 

“You could never disappoint me," Shane breathed out. "Even when I was blind, you saw me for me _._ And I promise you, whatever else you’re thinking, you don’t have to worry about it anymore. I’ll never stop loving you.”

 

Ryan bit down on his lip. 

 

“Baby,” Shane said, as he tilted Ryan’s face up with his finger.

 

Finally, Ryan met the gaze of the only person he loved, and will ever love, this much. He still looked like the same Shane he had fallen in love with all those months ago. 

 

Shane was staring at him, his eyes wide open, and his lips slightly parted, as if in shock.

 

Ryan flinched away, misinterpreting Shane’s momentary state of surprise for disgust. He knew, even without seeing himself, that he looked like a mess — his eyes were red and puffy from crying, his cheeks were tear-streaked, and his face was flushed.

 

“I know I’m not what you imagined,” he began, trying to do damage control, but Shane wasn't having it. 

 

He shut Ryan up with a kiss.

 

Ryan couldn’t describe how much he missed this… how much he missed Shane. He let his lips communicate every single word left unsaid. Their mouths moved hungrily against each other, the taste of longing and desire heavy on their tongues. As they kissed, the sun rose steadily in the sky. They were bathed in the soft gentle glow of its rays, the lake shimmering behind them and the sky shifting in color above — nature’s masterpiece.

 

“You’re not what I imagined. You don’t even come close,” Shane told him as they pulled away. “You’re more beautiful than anything my mind could ever come up with.”

 

Ryan wanted to tell him how much he loved him. He wanted to say the words that had been trapped in his chest for so long. But then, he remembered how he had ended things with Shane — he remembered every single word he said. The happiness he was still feeling from the kiss died down into an ember of shame.

 

"I— I don't deserve you," Ryan said. "I'm sorry."

 

Shane raised his eyebrows. "What are you talking about?"

 

"I know I hurt you. I did something shitty and—"

 

"Is this about how we broke up?" Shane cut in.

 

Ryan closed his eyes and nodded. "Let me expla—"

 

"I know you didn’t mean to hurt me,” Shane said. “I know you just said all those things to get me to leave.”

 

“How?” Ryan whispered in shock, his eyes popping open.

 

"Scott told me about the night you went to a club with your friends. He said you were really drunk and out of it."

 

"Scott?" Ryan thought back on that night, but he really couldn't remember a thing.

 

"When he brought you home, you told him what you did," Shane continued. "But how did  _you_ find out about it?"

 

Ryan was still reeling from bewilderment. “I overheard you in the kitchen. I lost my car keys when I tripped in the hallway, and when I went back to get them…”

 

“Figures,” Shane let out a sad chuckle. “I was so angry and hurt when you ended things."

 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know what else to do,” Ryan cried out, his chest heaving with the weight of what he had done.

 

“Don’t apologize. If you hadn’t done that, I never would have gone,” Shane replied. He cupped Ryan's face with one hand. "If anything, I should be the one sorry for having to make you do that. I'm sorry that you ever had to go through that."

 

"I'd go through anything for you," Ryan said shyly. "I love you."

 

“And I love you too,” Shane answered, his eyes crinkling up with happiness.

 

A lump formed in Ryan's throat as he heard the words from Shane's mouth. He thought back on how different his life would have been if he had never met Shane. He'd probably be on his special bench right now, eating a warm cinnamon bun, and watching the sunrise. There would have been less drama and conflict. He could have continued to live in the peaceful and never-changing bubble that he had made for himself.

 

But as Shane pulled him close, Ryan knew that he wouldn't want it any other way. Shane was the most beautiful thing that had come out from the jumbled mess that was his life.

 

And not even the beauty of a million sunrises could compare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so... I fucking cried while I edited this :'( I can't believe it's almost over... the next (and final) chapter is the epilogue. 
> 
> Before anything else, I just wanna thank you all for supporting this story. It started off as just a vague concept in my head, and I never imagined it would get this kind of reception from the community. You guys rock :'(


	16. Six Hundred One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If any of you are into listening to music while reading, I suggest "I Swear" by All-4-One. Play it on repeat. Or play it when the story calls for it (you'll figure it out). Enjoy! *sniffles*

**_ DAY 601 _ **

 

Ryan sat in the back of the moving car, his heart racing nervously. He wiped his sweaty palms against the smooth texture of his black trousers. His mouth felt like it was full of chalk.

 

“Ryan, relax,” Jake, his brother, called from the driver’s seat. “It’s just a wedding. No big deal.”

 

“Keep your mouth shut,” he croaked, although he knew Jake was right. This wasn’t the time to have a mental and emotional breakdown. He should be happy, for fuck’s sake. It was his wedding day.

 

“All I’m saying is that you should look a bit happier going to your wedding, and not like you’re about to puke,” Jake retorted as he took a sharp left turn.

 

Ryan caught sight of himself in the rearview mirror. His white tuxedo jacket looked pristine against his even whiter undershirt. The black bowtie made him feel silly, but it set off the whole look. His hair was in its usual short, pushed-back style, only neater. And his face — oh, god — he looked like he had eaten a particularly sour lemon.

 

“What if Shane realizes that he doesn’t want to marry me?” Ryan worried aloud, his mind clouded with fear.

 

Without taking his eyes off the road, Jake reached back to pass Ryan a folded note.

 

“Shane told me to give you that if you started overthinking.”

 

Ryan unfolded the bright yellow note, his eyes immediately recognizing Shane’s messy handwriting. There were only 4 words scrawled on it:  _Forever and ever, baby._

 

Ryan's fear melted away.

 

Up ahead, Ryan could see the park, only it looked _different._ Everything was still there, but it was like the Disney version of it. The trees were draped with long silks of white, and cream paper lanterns. There was a white carpet cutting through two groups of chairs, where all their friends and family were standing in place, waiting for him to arrive. In front was an arch blooming with leaves and sunflowers.

 

Owing to sentimentality, they wanted to get married in the park, just as the sun rose. It seemed perfect to start the rest of their lives where everything began. But when they realized that no one, _not_ _even them_ , wanted to wake up at 2 a.m. to get ready for a sunrise wedding, they trashed the idea for the time — of course, the location was non-negotiable.

 

The car pulled to a careful stop. Ryan took a deep breath as Jake opened the door for him. He slid out as gracefully as possible. Somewhere, a piano played the melody of an All-4-One song.

 

Ryan began walking down the aisle, his eyes roaming around to take everything in. He passed by his friends from BuzzFeed, with Steven even managing to give him a wink. He saw his family up front, Jake just barely making it there from the side. And then his eyes settled on a figure in a black suit underneath the arch, standing taller and straighter than anyone. Ryan was aware that everyone was staring at him, but at the moment, he only had eyes for Shane.

 

It was golden hour. The sun’s soft light bathed everyone in a warm glow of orange. Ryan noticed that Shane’s smile looked odd — his lips were pressed too tightly together. As he got closer, he realized why: there were tears streaking down Shane’s face. He was _crying_. Ryan felt his own tears spring into his eyes. Then, because it was Ryan and something _had_ to go wrong, his knee buckled and he fell flat on his face.

 

There was a flurry of movement and shrieks of alarm. The piano had stopped playing.

 

“I’m okay!” Ryan said loudly, his face burning with shame as he got up. People were swarming to help him out, and even Shane was bounding toward him. “Go back to your places.” Everyone followed.

 

He straightened his bowtie. “Hit the music.” The piano resumed playing.

 

Ryan took the last few steps, trying hard to contain the hysteria that was bubbling in him. He just _had_ to find a way to embarrass himself, didn’t he? Shane, his eyes still moist with tears, was trying not to laugh as he held out his hand to him. Ryan calmed down at the reassuring touch.

 

Together, they faced the minister.

 

“Welcome, family, friends, and loved ones…”

 

Ryan looked up at Shane. He noticed the way the sun’s light always managed to hit his face in the best way. He looked exactly as he did the first day they met — like the sun existed to shine down on him. Shane, feeling his gaze, turned down to look at him. He smiled, squeezing his hand gently. Just like Ryan, he was thinking of how perfect his soon-to-be husband looked.

 

“Do you, Ryan Steven Bergara, choose Shane to be your partner in life, to be there for him in every step of the way, to love and cherish him until death do you part?”

 

“I do.”

 

“And do you, Shane Alexander Madej, take Ryan as your lifetime companion, to support and respect him in every turn, to love and cherish him until death do you part?

 

“I do.”

 

“Now, we’ve come to the part of the wedding vows,” the minister spoke. “I understand that you have prepared your own vows for each other?”

 

They turned to each other, their hands still clasped together.

 

“Before I met you, I was a bitter and resentful man, who thought that nothing was worse than becoming blind,” Shane began. “But then you came along, and it was like taking a breath of fresh air. You made me see things that I never would have seen on my own. You made me feel things that I never thought I could feel. You changed my mind about life — _you changed me._ And then I lost you, and I realized that that was far worse than losing my eyesight. It was like becoming blind on the inside — there was just darkness in me. But then I found you again, and everything was right in the world.” Shane’s voice cracked as he delivered the last few lines. “You’re the light of my life, Ryan. And now that I’ve got you, I swear to never let you go. I swear to offer my every breath to make you happy. I swear to love you until the day I die, and even after then.”

 

Ryan took a second to wipe his tears. In a shaky voice, he began his vows. “I remember telling you when we met that watching the sunrise was the favorite part of my day, because it reminded me of how beautiful life could be. But as we spent more and more time together, I found that my favorite part wasn’t the sunrise anymore — it was _you_. You mesmerized me more than any sunrise could. You brought color to my life that I never thought possible. You reminded me of every single beautiful thing in the world. And so, I swear to never stop showing you how much I appreciate you. I swear to be by your side throughout anything that may come your way. I swear to love you from this life, until my next.”

 

“May I now have the rings?” the minister asked.

 

Everyone turned to look down the aisle, where a perfectly trained Axis was trotting toward them, a pillow bearing the rings strapped on his furry back. His mouth was open in a doggy smile, and his wail was wagging excitedly. Ryan glanced at Shane briefly. Shane was looking at Axis with pure affection on his face. Though Shane didn't need a guide dog anymore, he still kept him. Ryan didn't have any objections — he loved that dog. 

 

After a quick pat, Shane took the rings from Axis, who gave a soft bark and moved to join Scott in the front row. 

 

“Please repeat after me: _I give this ring to you as a symbol of my unwavering love and commitment to you._ ”

 

Shane and Ryan repeated the words, as they wore the rings on each other. A loud sniffle, which sounded a lot like Steven, came from the audience.

 

“By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you partners for life. You may now kiss.”

 

Ryan smiled up at Shane, his eyes shining with happiness. Shane cupped Ryan’s face gently, and brought his lips down to his. They shared a sweet kiss, their guests cheering gleefully and hooting wildly in the background.

 

Without so much as a warning, Shane picked up Ryan, bridal style, in his arms.

 

“Shane!” Ryan shrieked, wrapping his arms around Shane’s neck from fright. “Put me down!”

 

Shane ignored him as he carried him down the aisle. Flower petals were thrown at them by the laughing guests. Shane stopped at the other end of the carpet.

 

“And now, for our first act as a couple, we will be jumping in the lake together. Kindly take out your phones,” Shane announced to the crowd. Everyone went crazy, hastily snatching for their phones to record them.

 

“Shane! I’m going to kill you!” Ryan yelled in his ear, half-heartedly. He accepted that there was no stopping this.

 

“We can’t back out now,” Shane said, pressing a kiss to his forehead. “It’ll make us look weak.”

 

Ryan sighed. “Just do it,” Ryan said with a laugh. “And if we die of hypothermia, you’ll have no one but yourself to blame.”

 

Ryan shut his eyes and buried his face in the crook of Shane’s neck. Shane ran back down the aisle, his eyes twinkling as he felt Ryan tighten his hold on him. With a war cry, he launched them into the freezing lake.

 

They emerged to the surface, spitting out water and gasping for breath.

 

“I hate you so much,” Ryan glared, his teeth chattering from the cold.

 

“I love you, Ryan,” Shane said, pulling him close enough to see the water droplets on Ryan’s eyelashes. "Forever and ever."

 

“I love you, too. Forever and ever,” Ryan said before kissing Shane in the shallow banks of the lake, the sun setting down behind them.

 

“I bet this’ll get a million views on YouTube,” Ryan heard Steven yell. “I’m posting this!”

 

Shane broke away. “Maybe we should get out of the water. I think ducks and fishes shit here.”

 

“No kidding,” Ryan mumbled sarcastically, but they were both too happy to let that small fact bother them.

 

Together, they trudged out of the water, hand in hand, ready to start the rest of forever.

 

_FIN._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT'S FINALLY OVER. I'm really happy that I got to share this story with all of you, but I'm also really sad because it's now the end of Ryan and Shane's journey — at least with us (they still have forever to go with each other).
> 
> Thank you to everyone who supported this, especially those who were here when it was just the first chapter up. Thank you for patiently waiting for every update. See you all soon!


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